Happiness.

Today I am happy. It was a really good day. Marinette I missed your face! I got to drive my car up to school just to get supplies to teach online and drop things off. This granted a slight reprieve from my new little work-family mesh of late. I did have a pang of missing my students!

I actually always loved my morning and afternoon commute (provided no bad weather or late event evenings). It has always been my chance to think and recharge. I’ve been missing it a lot lately. Today was extra special to get to go, so I had a smile on my face as Remi and I jumped in the car (John couldn’t go because I had to be alone while getting things from the building). The drive up was foggy. On my way back I loved the feeling of the sun coming through the windows. I got to listen to my podcasts. I got to be alone!

John Michael has this funny thing he says a lot that goes something like, “I can’t just stay in my room forever!” It feels like that sometimes doesn’t it? We will all come out on the other side of this forever changed, that is certain. I loved my podcasts today. Two thoughts stand out to me.

One is, In sixth months, assuming I lived my absolute best life, the best version of me, what would that “me” want to say to the person that is here now? I would say: “Be grateful. You get to be with your son and husband and slow down. You get to have slow dinners. You can savor things. You can get in shape. You can focus on the goals you always said you didn’t have time to do. But remember, be present. Be a joy to be around. Make John Michael remember this time he had with his parents with fondness. He will remember this even if right now he doesn’t understand all of it.” In a decade, we will all look back on this and while lots of it has negative sides, I want to remember those good moments. Did I slow down and play with him? Did we read stories and build things and imagine? When he asked me to do something did I say yes as much as I could? Did we have races in the backyard and dance in the living room? Did I allow him to ask all his curious questions and not get exasperated? Did I have grace for myself- cuz not everything needs to be perfect. Was I loving to my husband and supportive of him? Did we enjoy our long dinners and slow sips of wine, funny shows and movies? Did I reach out to my family and friends and try to help them through this? Did I do all I can with all I have? These are just some questions I am trying to ask myself.

If I could go back in time even 2 months I would have told myself to be more present with moments that are forever going to be different from this point on. But there is no use being in the past, nor having anxiety on the future. I can only control what is happening right now. Haha (Random) my son just ran in here and told me my keyboard felt “cozy.” (I have this little Marinette purple thing that fits over the keys that does look/feel sort of cozy!)

The second thing that has been making me ponder is being careful of what parts of normal you used to have you keep in the new normal on the other side of the quarantine. Yep. Will be thinking on that one.

Forgive my thoughts and bad writing- they are all jumbled. Kinda thinking as I type. I just want to do the best with the time I have right now. My family is important and that’s a big priority. I want to take charge of my physical and mental health. (Can’t help anyone else if my oxygen mask isn’t on first!) and I want to do as good of a job as I can for work. I am lucky and I am grateful. So I’m trying to use this time as best I can to honor all those who are really doing hard and scary work or have made huge sacrifices. I have this time. It’s going to happen either way. This situation is going to happen either way. I can either make the best of it, or I can not. So I’m trying to choose joy not to be selfish, but just to do what I can to honor this. To bring some sort of meaning to this.

However, I do really think that people process things differently. I just know myself and so I have to be busy. Take photos. Exercise. Dance around. Be goofy. Laugh. Schedule things. Make things pretty. Clean. Organize. Schedule my cool virtual meetings. Make funny memes for my students. Try to look for meaning and positivity. I do that because that is my coping strategy. I’m sure everyone’s path is going to look different. I say and explain all this because I know there’s surely someone out there who is annoyed at me. But this is how I do!

Things I’m grateful for today? The sun on my face. Driving in my jeep. Remi’s happy wiggle. My podcasts. Sweet music. John’s questions. Racing with John in the backyard and his funny dancing. Joe’s laughs. Joe cleaning up the kitchen. A fun clarinet lesson I gave to a student virtually. A good exercise session. A nice walk with John and Remi. John’s joy as he saw some plants starting to sprout in the herb garden. His excitement over seeing the musical instruments I brought home which prompted him to remember a music show he recently watched on rhythm. “Short, short, long” So many things!

Also I made some pretty good salmon last night!